Monday, March 30, 2009


I am feeling very fat and defeated lately.

I am glad that I view 'giving up' as not even an option. But I tell you, it's tempting.

I have never felt this overwhelming feeling of trying and trying and trying and not getting anywhere. I feel like I am playing the boss level of a really hard video game. And I just keep hitting all the right buttons at all the right times, but can't seem to win. I know the game is hard for everyone, but I am starting to be convinced that my console is broken.

I need Fatty back.
I need a tiny inkling of success to fuel my fire.
I need to feel like it's POSSIBLE.

With only 23 days to the wedding. I need to completely give up on the idea of looking any better then, than I do now. This hurts me, because it's just ANOTHER missed goal. Another big event that I have to dread instead of embrace. I want to vow that this will be the last of it's kind. But I know that's not true. That's what I said about my Sister's wedding, and the one after that, and the party after that, etc. I want it to end, but it feels like I have little control over that. When I used to feel like it was ALL in my hands.

I have disabled comments on this post. Please know that I appreciate all your comments. I just can't handle pep talks, and being as nice as you all are, I suspect that is all that will be left. :-)
I am just frustrated, (per usual, it seems)

So I don't leave this on a sour note... let me talk about the future plans.
After I return from Vegas, I will be canceling my regular gym membership (which I do not use anyway), and putting that money toward personal training sessions.
I know this will be expensive and inconvenient, but I feel like it's the only avenue I have not yet explored. I need a professional. I thought I had all the answers, and look where it got me. The training place is in the same lot as my office, and they provide a referral to a nutritionist and all that jazz.
As soon I return, I will be buying new running sneakers, and signing up for that service.

I am scared as hell to work with someone like that, but I think forcing myself into an uncomfortable situation is just one more thing that I need to do for myself.

I hope you all are feeling better than I am, and having more success!