Saturday, June 6, 2009

We can't stop here! This is bat country!

Heather told me that her last day is next friday (she's off for maternity leave!). I knew it was coming, but I didn't think so soon.
I am REALLY bummed out about it. She inspires me, and she makes my workouts fun, and makes me look forward to going.
I admit, I even considered stopping my sessions until she comes back :-( But I can't do that. I need this.
I will train with Cindy and/or Bob. I trained with Cindy once, and although she was a VERY nice lady, it just wasn't working for me. Training with someone new causes me so much anxiety. But at least I know I just need to shut up and work through it.

My life is, and has always been governed by fear. It's just... me. It doesn't bother me too much, for the most part. But often I stop and think about it, and how ridiculous and stunting it is. And I also have been thinking about how I am sure it's a huge part of why I am not losing weight. Granted, the math and science checks out, and I *should* be losing weight. And I am sure there is something mechanically wrong. But.. maybe there is not. And maybe it's just my fear of change. Bodies are SMART. And perhaps, mine knows of my fear and anxiety. It's keeping me fat because it knows how scared I am.

I am scared of everything. I am petrified of meeting new people. I won't even make plans if they involve driving somewhere I've never been. I won't ask questions, even when I have a hundred of them burning inside my head. I am scared of not being useful to people. I am scared to roller skate and NOT hold on to something. I am scared of any change, I like things to stay the way I know them. I am scared of looking foolish or stupid. I am scared of anything with wheels. I put together an amazing outfit, and then I change into something more plain or frumpy, because I am scared of looking like I am trying too hard (the whole, polishing a turd thing)

I could go on ALL day with lists of things that cause me anxiety and fear.

I should clarify though. Despite my fear issues, I am a VERY happy person.
As long as my list of gripes is, my list of blessings is ten fold that. Day to day, I am content. So I don't want you to think I need cheering up, or anything like that.

Its just that my point is... what if its this fear of change that is keeping me from losing? How do I break that curse?
How could it be possible to open myself up and stop being scared of it? Is that possible to do?

4 refreshing comments:

laura said...

bodies are smart buggers. you may be on to something. i don't like to think of myself as a fearful person, but i think fear motivates and/or deters me from doing things as well. i think the great thing about you is that you see the issue and will work to overcome it.

i think of you as extremely brave. from reading your blog, seeing you take what your body gives you and continue to push yourself is very brave and inspiring. i hope your body lets go of whatever the deal is, and you see the changes you want. your happiness is infectious!

MackAttack said...

The fear probably does have something to do with it. I am so impressed with how you are moving forward despite the lack of loss. Good luck with the new trainer, I HATE change. So, way to go not canceling!!

Melissa Vegas said...

polishing a turd?

you, my dear, are no turd! And I find it funny you say you put a fabulous outfit together, then put on something plain. Because, every time I see you - you are looking pretty damn fabulous! So, I can't imagine what crazy level those outfits you've turned down are! :)

Love you babycakes! :) Sorry you have to work with a new trainer for awhile, but I am confident you'll push right through!

Chai Latté said...

Thanks ladies :-)

I really appreciate these comments!

Laura, labeling me as brave is not something that has ever happened before :-) Thanks!

MackAttack, it's amazing how frightened of change I am. And yet, change almost always ends up being good, I don't know why we can't just accept that!

Melissa, I'd look like my creations from Polyvore, if I had the confidence to pull it off.
I like to think that when I am thinner, I will gain the confidence to wear the clothes I actually like. But, who knows!