Monday, July 27, 2009


I truly cannot believe how long it has been since I've lost weight. I can't comprehend how long Fatty and I have been keeping this blog and living this lifestyle. I can't understand how I have seen SO.MANY. people breeze right by me, losing weight.
And they work hard. And they deserve it. But I feel like I do too.

I'm tired :-( I'm honestly tired of being motivated. I am tired of feeling like "I CAN DO THIS! I'M GONNA DO IT THIS TIME!"

They say that - "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"

That is exactly how I feel. Insane. I keep trying and trying and following the "science" of it all and I keep expecting it work, because.. how could it not?! It's SCIENCE! But it doesn't. Clearly, it just doesn't.

I hate counting every calorie, every carb, every droplet of water.
I hate exercising, the sweat, the pain, and the time it takes away from me.

But god damnit... I really hate being fat.

And that's what it comes down to. No matter how much I hate all the things I have to sacrifice or endure... I really hate being fat even MORE than all that. I know that I will never, ever be able to "come to terms" with my weight, and love myself for all the chunk I am. So I have no choice but to keep fighting.

What does this mean? What's my plan?

Well.. I don't really have one. The problem with trying everything and succeeding at nothing is that I don't really have that diet to go back to. I don't have a fail-proof method.

All I know is that for now, I will just continue to work out at much as possible. Eat as cleanly as possible and try to not get aggravated about not seeing results.

Bob the Trainer has a dietitian dude that he has befriended. So I may meet with him in the near future. Apparently he will even do a series of tests (blood, urine, etc) to pinpoint areas where your body isn't performing correctly. I will give that a chance.

I have also ordered a free trial of Sensa.
Which, I know most of you will scoff at :-) But I don't care :-) It's getting a lot of attention, it's free, and it doesn't cause anal leakage. So I say, its worth a try! I should receive it next week sometime... so I'll be sure to give my review when I start using it.

I was cleaning my room most of the weekend (I am such a slob, with a lot of laundry!)I took the time to empty out my bureau, and organize it. It strangely satisfying to have two entire drawers dedicated to solely workout clothes. :-) 1/2 of my underwear drawer is stacked high with sports bras and athletic socks. If it weren't for the XXL tags on everything, you'd think it was Jillian Michael's bedroom! :-)

Well, that's all I've got for you today. I hope it wasn't too depressing!

5 refreshing comments:

She-Fit said...

I can totally understand your frustration. It's hard when you put out so much effort and nothing is shown for it. I'm glad that might have the opportunity to meet with a dietician and get blood work done. These two things can reveal a lot to the reason why. Hang in there!

laura said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
laura said...

your tenacity is amazing. you want this so bad, and it sucks major that your body is fighting the change. i'm glad you can possibly meet that dietician, if at least for your own sanity! i would be livid, not just frustrated. kick some pillows or invite fatty over for some kickboxing stat!

you are stronger than most, keep at it!

Melissa & Brad said...

Good luck with Sensa. I will be honest and say, I didn't read up on it yet. But nothing anyone tries for weight loss bothers me. If you think it may work, then go for it. You have REALLY good judgement, so I trust any decision you make, wholeheartedly. Good luck sweetie. I wish I could magically wave a wand and make you the weight you want to be. But I'm failing miserably myself right now. (Can you fail if you don't even try?). I have gained 5 pounds since the wedding. So bad.

Lori said...

I can sympathize big time. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and keep going for what seems like forever. Just eat clean and move - that's the best you can do!