Tuesday, October 28, 2008

My reasons, and an apology

Given the prompt, I could probably name a hundred thousand reasons why I want to lose weight. Today, I feel a need to remind myself (and share with you all) a few of them.

I want to wear fashionable clothes
I want to wear a swimsuit in public
I want to fit into movie theater seats, airlines, and park rides.
I want to gain some semblance of self-confidence
I want to get a handle on my anxiety, through that confidence.
I want to understand how Joel could possibly be attracted to me.
I want to go shopping with my average sized friends and family, and not sneak off to the fat lady department.
I want to walk, jog, dance, and just BE, without feeling judged, or embarrassed.
I want to feel like I am HEALTHY, and STRONG.
I want to not mind getting my picture taken.
I want to make my knees stronger, so they aren't as ouchie.
I want to wear high heels, and not put 50,000 pascals of pressure on each little heel.
I want to be in friend's weddings, and not hate every second of it. They deserve more.
I want to go to my High School reunion and be unrecognizable.
I want to give a silent F-U to some people from the past.
I want to be just like my Mom, in every way—but medically.
I want to not be fighting the fat battle until I die.
I want to eat, without feeling watched.
I want to be an inspiration to friends in my position.
I want to make Joel, and his family proud of him for being with me.
I want to go horseback riding
I want to feel like a twenty something girl, and not a 50 year old woman, or a linebacker.
I want to wear a tank top, or a sleeveless dress, or something above the knee!
I want to feel sexy, beautiful, or just NORMAL.
I want to keep up with Fatty on a jog around the neighborhood and still be able to BREATHE.
I want to prove myself.
I want to find out what my body actually looks like.
I want to just be OK with someone looking at me.
I want to be able to say "I lost over a hundred pounds!"
I want to be hit on.
I want to have pretty, dainty hands. And not cocktail wienie stumps.
I want to be able to drop and give you 20 at any time.
I want to go out with my awesome sister, and not just feel like her huge fat ugly shadow.
I want to not blush when people look at my cart in the grocery store and size me up by my purchases. (I wish I could make a sign - THE DORITOS AND OREOS ARE FOR MY BOYFRIEND!)
I want to travel with Joel someday, and not represent myself as a Fat American.
I want to wear a beautiful dress that I LOVE, not just something because it's the only one that came in a XXL.
I want to see people I haven't seen in a long time, and just hear "wow!".
I want to be able to cross my legs properly.
I want to not be afraid of change.
I want to feel FREE. This may not make sense to you. But, I can't explain it any better than that.

I could go on and on.

The gist of it is... no one wants to be overweight. Overweight people are discriminated against. Yes, by the general public, and people around you. But mostly.. by yourself.
I have NEVER, not once in my 27 years, ever liked myself.
I recognize that I am, for the most part, a good person. I am relatively smart. I am kind, and I have a sense of humor. I can recognize those things without being proud of who I am.
I have always been fat. And I have never forgiven myself for it.

I guess this is where my change needs to come from. I need to find a way to forgive myself. There's an Alanis song that says -

"I'm sorry to myself, for treating me worse than I would anybody else. I'm sorry to my myself, my apologies begin here before anybody else."


And if that ain't the truth, I don't know what is.

In every other aspect of my life, I believe in the philosophy of simply "moving along". If you know me, you've heard me say - "nothing you can do about it, just let it go"
So I will take my own advice. There is no way I can go back in time and un-make myself fat. So, all I can do is move ahead. and let.it.go.
Whatever made me fat?
screw it.
Whatever kept me fat?
screw it.

I'm changing it all now. No matter how long it takes, whether I achieve all my reasons up there or not. I will do my best, and leave my sad, sorry, unhealthy self behind me.

Moving on, and letting it go.

5 refreshing comments:

Blueberry Muffin Queen (Jenn) said...

I want to gain some semblance of self-confidence
I want to get a handle on my anxiety, through that confidence.
I want to understand how Joel could possibly be attracted to me.
I want to walk, jog, dance, and just BE, without feeling judged, or embarrassed.
I want to not mind getting my picture taken.
I want to be in friend's weddings, and not hate every second of it. They deserve more.
I want to give a silent F-U to some people from the past.
I want to eat, without feeling watched.
I want to just be OK with someone looking at me.
I want to go out with my awesome sister, and not just feel like her huge fat ugly shadow.
I want to not blush when people look at my cart in the grocery store and size me up by my purchases. (I wish I could make a sign - THE DORITOS AND OREOS ARE FOR MY BOYFRIEND!)
I want to not be afraid of change.
I want to feel FREE. This may not make sense to you. But, I can't explain it any better than that.
*** Yes, it makes sense. :D

For all of these, I want to say (in my blunt nature, so please don't be offended)... these are ALL in your head. Part of losing weight, and keeping it off, is dealing with our demons, learning to love ourselves. The fact is, you can drop weight, but you'll still hate yourself. You'll still be insecure.

You ARE an amazing, creative wonderful person that I look forward to getting to know all the time. It kills me when you freak out for not losing weight at an obscenely fast rate or having all these insecure demons nipping at you all the time.

Talk to the people you know. I know they'll tell you the same.

Love yourself. You are awesome and you DO deserve it.

I want to be an inspiration to friends in my position.
*** You already are. Truly. Just relax. :D

Vikki said...

"I want to be free" anyone who has a much weight to lose will completely understand that. Your definitely not alone.

For me it's like no matter where I go there is always this other person there, this fat. It's like my shadow, I can never be just Vikki, I'm Vikki that fat lady. It's always right there around me. So yes, losing the weight will set me free.
Good luck to both of us!
God bless we'll get there.
Vikki

Chai Latté said...

Oh, I know they are in my head.. but they were placed there by being overweight. If I can gain enough confidence through losing weight, and taking pride in my appearance, I'll have the strength to conquer all my other problems.

I don't see losing weight as a cure-all, but as a huge platform from which to jump.

Thank you SO much for the nice comments. :-)

Lori said...

I posted one time on my blog about feeling embarrassed and ashamed of my overweight period.
A very wise person commented to me that your life is never wasted or a waste of time, no matter what your size is. The same people that love you now will love you at a smaller size (or a bigger one).

And I totally understand about feeling free. Only the really overweight people can understand what I mean when I say I feel "normal" now, and that is so weird LOL.

Low Carb Vee said...

It's like looking in a mirror of my own reasons, here.

I think I'll do my own--just to remind myself what I'm working for.

And yes...I know some of the stuff IS in our heads...but I've lost the weight before on Atkins, and I felt tremendous.

Thanks for a brutal but sincere post.

~vee