We Kin Get Thin!

I was discussing these thoughts with Debbie the other night over dinner, so it's been on my mind a little bit.

I feel like I becoming a new person. Not totally different, mind you, I'm the still the Shannon you all know and love ;-), but changed. Improved!

I am slowly becoming a healthier person, in all aspects of the word. I nourish my body properly and healthfully. I exercise to lose fat, gain strength, improve my heart, and thwart illnesses. I educate myself about the body and the nutrients it requires.  This is who I've always wanted to become.
I'd read the blogs of girls with amazing knowledge and such healthy outlooks on food and fitness and I've dreamed of becoming like them.  I truly think I am on my way to being that.

But here's my issue. I feel like I am going it alone.

Now PLEASE, do NOT misunderstand me.  
I have A-M-A-Z-I-N-G friends. Joel, my friends, my family, my blogger buddies... their support is strong and unwavering. And I do not mean to say that that is not good enough for me.

I want to reach my goals and have someone there with me who has reached them too. Not specifically weight loss. (I have my amazing Mom for that!) More-so, someone I can call up and say "I wanna go for a long run and then eat a gigantic salad with you" and they will say - OH HECK YES, LET ME GET MY SNEAKS ON.

My biggest fear is that I will become a nuisance to my friends and family. That I will become that jerk that tries to convert people into eating healthy or something. I don't want people to think of me like - Oh, look at Shannon, she lost all that weight and now she thinks she's better than everyone.  I don't want to impose my choice upon someone else. And when I find myself doing it (ie : begging Joel to work out) I realize it's not because I want him to lose weight or feel healthier, it's because I don't want to do it alone. I'm hard on Fatty when he doesn't work out or eat well, not because I fear for his body, but because I feel abandoned. It's selfish and downright stupid.

This is all surprising to me because I thought I never wanted a support group, I thought I preferred to do everything alone and not share it with anyone.  It's turning out the exact opposite.

Can anyone tell me if they've also felt this way?
If it's just part of the journey? Or if I am just a complete boob?


PS : Just another note to my RL friends & fam : 
I can't express enough how much your love and friendship mean to me, and just because we don't jog together, or eat chia seeds together doesn't mean I don't value everything you are to me. 
Melissa, Fatty, Adam, Debbie, Dad & Mom especially... you are SO much motivation and support for me, so please don't think any of this has anything to do with that! I am not looking for replacements with six packs for all of you :-) You are all so perfect as you are!

Like most humans, nothing motivates me more than seeing results from my hard work. Last night, I was not feeling very motivated to hop on the treadmill, so I decided to take some pictures of myself, and compare them to old ones. People have been telling me I look smaller, so maybe seeing it for myself will help.

Nope.

I even went so far as to recreate the outfit and pose from an older picture and dissect it, side-by-side.

No. Change.

I then tried on some too-tight clothes, hoping for a miracle.  Still, no change.

I had to dig pretty damn deep to find the determination to even work out last night, after that.
But I hopped on the treadmill anyway, and busted out another 5k. I even shaved off 2 minutes of my time...  (51 min) AND, I jogged a mile straight in there (which is big for me!).

I truly wish I could just be satisfied with the improved health, strength, and stamina.  But honestly, I am starting to feel like a sham.  I feel like I am fooling myself, and those around me. I can only imagine what my family and friends think about me, when they HEAR me talk about what I do, but then they SEE the same old fat body I've had all along.  I feel like a liar and a fake. 

Last week on TBL, the girl on the Red team was being called a liar and a cheat, because she didn't lose weight for two weigh ins in a row. Granted, I'm pretty sure she did do it on purpose (she had immunity).  But watching trainers Jillian & Bob get so furious at her because there was NO WAY that she didn't lose weight without self sabotage.  It hurt me.  Because that is how I feel.  I feel like everyone knows its "calories in vs. calories out", and so I must not be following the rules.

I don't know what the point of this entry was supposed to be.  And I apologize for the same rant you've heard a million times.  The gist is... I am frustrated with not losing/physically changing, and I am frustrated with the fact that I let it frustrate me. :-)

Oof, I've had a miserable morning so far today!

Corgi and Z got in a fight, I broke it up, yelled at them both, and then noticed Corgi was producing rather large pool of blood. Lovely.  So I call the vet, and they can take me right away. I suit up, get in my car, pull out of the driveway, and I'm stuck.  Apparently we got about 6 inches of snow overnight.
So now, I'm stuck in the driveway, bloody Corg in car. I get out to start shoveling myself out, catch my coat on the side-view mirror and rip a giant hole in it. My new, nice coat :-(

After jamming in the hood while trying to push my car, I attempt to give up. I call my Mom and ask her to pick me up in her big ol truck. She can't get out yet either. Meanwhile, Corgi is bleeding all over my car interior. Niiice.

So I start shoveling some more. And then, a few moments later, I hear angels singing, as my plow guy pulls up and says the best 3 words any woman can hear..

"Need a hand?"

YES I DO.  Thank you, manly man.  

So he pushes me out of the driveway so I can go to the vet, and plows my driveway clean before I return :-)

Anyway... Corgi is just fine. She has a got a really big bite, it goes straight through the back of her head to her ear.  Doc said it was big enough for stitches, but because of the angle, he thinks it'll heal fine on its own.  So she's got 1 shaved down crusty black ear.  And she's VERY sad about it. :-(
But she'll be ok.

And so will I . . .

Once I find a new coat!

I don't know how I thought I could get away with remodeling my body but not changing my mind. 

Don't get me wrong now, I don't believe in "The Secret" or anything that specific.  I don't believe that positive thinking  alone will magically make me thin. However,  I can't help but wonder if the lack of self-belief has been my tether this whole time.  How can I succeed, if I really don't think I can?
It seems silly.  I understand that.  But bear with me.

Logically, I know how badly I want this. I want it more than anything. I can write lists, miles long, for all the reasons I want to lose weight.  I try to imagine my body, and my life, as it is in this dream future. But I never stopped to think if I really thought I'd do it. If I truly believed it could happen.

The answer is no, I don't think I do.

I am a fat girl. I always have been, and therefore, a very large part of my personality is based on this. Being overweight has truly sculpted who I am. How I react to things, and how I interact with other people.  That is quite a bit of ones self to just toss out the window in exchange for some size 8 pants.

When someone tells me I look thinner, I waste not a second in telling them I have not lost any weight. I have not lost any inches. Oh, but thanks anyway.  I am quick to tell you how much I despise exercise. How I can't express myself properly in my clothing because they just don't sell much in my size.
I seem to go out of my way, to convince people that I am not changing.

Change is scary, especially to me. I've spent my life avoiding it. Why should weight loss be any different? Just because I WANT it does not make it exempt. Doesn't mean it won't drastically push me from my comfort zone.  I repeatedly fail to realize this.

Eating well, working out, drinking water, it's all healthy and great. But what is it doing for me, if I am not willing to simply believe in it?  What if I love working out, and I just won't let myself feel that?
What if I can be confident in my ability to lose this weight, without fear or doubt?

What if, what if?!  

I need to erase the what ifs.  I need to find a way to believe in myself and the goals I am working toward.  I need to stop poo-pooing people's comment and compliments. I need to find confidence in myself and my resolve to see this through.  I don't want to get down to my goal weight and still be who I am right now.  I don't want that.

I honestly haven't a clue how to accomplish this. How do you start believing in yourself? I don't know. But I know I am going to try. I have to.

Of all the diets, programs, and gimmicks I have tried (and failed at). . . believing I could do it was never one of them.  Now,  I truly feel that it is the most important hurdle for me to tackle, or I will never make it over the next ones.

Reading this over, I've decided my first baby steps are as follows - 


1. Stop hating exercise. I say I don't enjoy it because it hurts, its gross and sweaty, it makes me do more laundry, it takes time from my day, blah blah.   I will turn this around.  If it hurts, its working.  If I am sweating? Its working! Laundry? Ppshaw.   Time from my day?  Maybe I can learn to consider it "me" time.  Find a way to make it cathartic in some way.  People do that. I know they do.  Simply put, I can't really hate exercise the way I think I do.


2. Find a positive way to respond. When someone tells me I look smaller, I need to respond in a positive way. They don't need to know that I haven't lost anything recently.  I will say, "Thank you, I've been working very hard."  And when they say "How much have you lost now?"  I can answer truthfully but not harshly.  "I have lost 35lbs total" I don't need to include that its been 2 years to lose that.


I apologize for this lengthy post.
But I applaud you if you finished it! :)

Can anyone offer me some advice, on how to believe in myself?

Happy Humpday everybody. It is supposed to be weigh in day today...but I am still just not in the right mind-set for it. I'll have to ask the Fall Into Fitness challenge ladies if they should just kick me out! My fantasy, has always been to wait as long as I can, and step on the scale and have some huge number, like 12lbs or something!
Something significant, and WOO-HOO worthy! I'm still waiting :-)
But I'd at least like to get one week of these double work outs/smoothies under the bridge before I weigh in.

That means, yes, I did my treadmillin' this morning. It was not as successful as yesterday morning, assuredly because it is still tired from my training session last night. My back and knees were killing this morning, and despite having some new awesome music, I just couldn't seem to push myself very far. But, whatevs. I still did it. They can't all be shiny gems :-)

I won't be home until late tonight, so I am trying to figure out what kind of workout I should do just before bed...I don't want to jog again, if I'll be getting up to jog in a few hours after. Eh, I'll figure it out!

Soooo, yah. The smoothies are good! I inadvertently started myself on a smoothie diet. lol. I fell in love with these cups, as you know. And so I just HAD to make a smoothie. Then I had leftovers, and it was sitting there ready for me for breakfast. Then, I had nothing for lunch, so hey, why not? I told Joel - "hey, I had a smoothie for breakfast, and a smoothie for lunch!" And he said "now, you just need to have a sensible dinner!" Hehe. And so I thought... yah, why not!
For 3 days now, I've had smoothie breakfast & lunch, sensible dinner, and one or two small snacks and I rather like the way it goes. So, I will continue for awhile, (until I get so sick of smoothies I can't bear it) hehe!

I'm soooo tired!

Wow, it's Monday again. Someone needs to explain to me exactly how that happens!
The weekend was good. I got VERY little sleep which I am feeling today. But, Saturday - Melissa and I went to a bead show and bought some stuff. We both LOVE to shop. And we both love beads. So, you can imagine... it was a good time :-)

Sunday, I got up at 4:30am and drove for just over an hour to go meet my friend Debbie for breakfast. We both have busy schedules, and we typically see each other once every 3-4 months despite trying for every other week.  So, we made it work!  Glad we did. She's one of my very besties!

I didn't take any food pics this weekend (sorry!) and I don't have much (health-related) stuff to talk about... so I will talk about other people's! ;-)

My Mom is in the OR right this minute having her spine surgery, so keep her in your thoughts! I am sure everything will go fine, as it always does. The woman is a warrior! ;-)

Also, tonight is Fatty's first training session with Trainer Bob!  I swear I am as excited as he is! I don't know why it's always so satisfying when someone goes through the same thing as you (a positive thing, of course!).  I've just wanted someone to know what I do three days a week! :-)  I can't wait to hear how it goes. I know he's gonna love it.

I am hoping to get some responses on my Vlog today. I was SO nervous all day after posting it... I nearly took it back down about 10 times. :-)  But if there is one thing I've learned...  it's... COMMIT! 

Well, as Melissa would say, that's enough of my "jibberjab"  :-)

***Flickr stops videos at 90 seconds, lamers! So I am attempting to youtube this bitch :-) If anyone watched this sucker before I changed it, please watch again, you can see the dramatic conclusion! (ok, thats exaggerated. But you will get to see a Corgi, at least***

Ok, I finally got to do a quick little vlog for you!  Its just blabbering and pointless, but I am hoping it will get you guys to tell me if you want more from me or not :-)



So, enjoy.... and let me know.
OR, if you do not enjoy... don't let me know! :-)

Food, Cooking, & Portion Control

• Chew gum while you prepare and cook your food. You won't pick at the goodies that way.

• Use cooking spray. Yes, olive oil is a "good fat" it doesn't mean it won't still make you fat. Use cooking spray when cooking, and olive oil for dressings and toppings.

• When counting calories - round up. Trust me, you ate a little bit more than you thought you did!

• Portion out your food as soon as its done cooking. Set up containers, separate out the food equally. Take one container for your meal, pack the rest away. I noticed that I would feed myself MORE on that initial serving, and pack the leftovers away properly. If you dole them out equally, you might be more honest.

• Don't bake a pan of brownies and then eat the whole thing. (duh) Bake a pan of brownies, cut them up, wrap each brownie individually in saran wrap. Keep one or two for yourself. Write the DATE on them of when you're allowed to eat them (like, one for today, one for 3 days from now) On the rest, write someone's name whom you will give it to. Draw a little heart on it. You couldn't POSSIBLY eat someone else's brownie, COULD YOU!? Because that would make you a bad person.

• Start making your sandwiches sans cheese. (gasp!) I know. I love cheese. But trust me, you won't notice. And it's a hefty caloric difference.

• You've heard this one before! Use a smaller bowl/plate/fork/glass. Its stupid. But it works.

• Use greek yogurt in place of sour cream. I can't recommend this enough. I know it sounds like a flawed plan... but its thick, tastes good, and have that same cooling effect like sour cream. Its even good for making dips out of. No lie!

• Try things. Try things you hated when you were a kid. Your taste buds are entirely new now! Try things that look or sound gross to you. Chances are, they are delicious. Try everything! The worst thing that could happen is that you don't like it. Oh, big whoop.

Going Out To Eat

• Go online, research the menu ahead of time

• Write down what you'll be ordering on a post it note and bring it with you. Do not deviate from the post it note. Show the note to your companions and proclaim "This what I will order. If I order something else you can punch me in the zyphoid process"

• Order from the appetizer or tapas menu. You won't have to worry about controlling yourself from eating your whole plate, if your whole plate is an acceptable portion.

Exercise

• If something little is bothering you, fix it immediately or you will focus on it instead of the exercise. Like, your untied shoe, your imminent fart, your ponytail falling loose, your whateverwhateverwhatever. You do not need to be distracted or annoyed by these things, so just STOP. fix them. and move on.

• Make a schedule. If you say "I'll work out when I have the time" or "I'll work out 3 times this week" it won't happen. Write it down. Mon, Wed, Friday - 7pm-8pm. Do it!

• Do research, or phone a friend! Don't assume you know how to use that giant machine at the gym. Don't be so sure that your form is perfection when doing squats... Ask someone that knows! Even easier.. go online. there are millions of articles, images, and videos from professionals showing you what to do. For free. Privately.

Willpower & Motivation

• Make rules. Personally, I am a rule follower by nature. If you're like me, you don't need willpower, just your rule-following compulsion. I make a rule "no cookies"
therefore, I eat no cookies. No. Matter. What. Its not easy, still. But making things completely off limits negates the need for true strength and portion control. If I said I could have "some cookies" I would eat a LOT of cookies. You catch my drift?

• Tell people. I am also motivated by pride. And it would hurt my pride if someone I know saw me fail. So, tell everyone your goals, plans, and rules. You won't want to slip up in front of them.

• Don't lie to yourself. Don't justify things to make it sound less offensive. "Oh, I had 3 pounds of french fries... its ok, potatoes are vegetables! and I worked out today! and I ate less at breakfast! and, and...and..." You *know* its all excuses, so don't even bother giving them to yourself. YOU'RE ALLOWED TO SLIP UP. You're allowed to have an off day, or make a mistake. It's FINE. But there is no reason to ever lie to yourself about it. Because eventually, you believe that lie and then you're eating gummi bears for fruit, carrot cake for vegetables and mountain dew for water.

And lastly...

• Find what works for you. These are all things that work for me. They may not work for you. But try them. Try everything that sounds healthy, and you'll take the best from it and concoct a plan for yourself.

Please, please please please leave me a comment with some tips & tricks of your own.

I've started to write whiny, Nancy Kerrigan style posts (WHY ME?! WHY ME!?) all week, and I've stopped them all. It is nothing I haven't said before. Wah wah, I'm doing everything right and I am not getting results, bitch bitch, whine whine.

Its been done, and it does me no service. And it certainly isn't fun to read for you guys!

SO ANYWAY.

I'll turn this into a true progress report, lets break it down!

TRAINING
As much as I hate working out (I mean, I HATE it) I rather enjoy that I go to training. As much knowledge, space, and equipment as I have, I would never get the intensity of exercise at home. It may not be helping me lose weight, but it most certainly is making me stronger. And, I love my trainers!

RUNNING
I am continuing on pretty well with my Chai-2-5k program. My knee is not enjoying it lately, so my progress has been slowed slightly. I made it up to 7 min running, 3 min walking... but now I am back down to 5 and 5. I'm not too discouraged, I know my knee, and it'll come back around. I think I'm still on track (pun intended!) to meeting my goal of a 5k in the Springtime.

DIET
My diet has been good. Actually, its been great! I'm finally learning to stop when I am full, and distract myself when I want to eat out of boredom. I make good choices, especially on my free day, when things could get ugly. I have kept a close reign on those times, and all is good.

CHANGES/PROGRESS
This, of course, is the bane of my existence. I haven't really lost any weight. I haven't lost any inches. I have no physical, noticeable changes at all. This is the height of my discouragement. BUT. I can feel my muscles like nobody's business. I can run longer, squat lower, jump higher, breathe easier... you name it. I'm more fit. And I can't complain about that.
I find myself getting mad at Biggest Loser, health articles, and other bloggers who vehemently state - IT'S CALORIES IN VS CALORIES OUT. YOU DO THAT YOU WILL LOSE.
I always believed that. But why doesn't it work for me, then? Most weeks, I've got a 5000-7000 calorie deficit, that should be 1-2lbs a week, if the math holds true.
I want to scream at them - ITS JUST NOT THAT SIMPLE! But then, what makes ME different? Why does science not apply to me? Is it because I failed science class freshman year? 'cause I made that up the next year, damnit!

OKAY. So this entry did turn out a little bit whiny there at the end. I apologize!
I love you all, my peeps, very very much! And I can never thank you enough for following our journey with us, ups and downs and mini-breakdowns.

So when I woke up this morning, it was SNOWING! Ugh, the S word! I truly hate snow. I know, I know! "you live in New England, why don't you just mooooove?" I get that a lot. Unfortunately, the love I have for things that keep me here (ie : my family, friends, etc) somehow outweigh my intense hatred for all things snow!

That being said. I woke up. Snow. So I put on my warmest socks. I know they are silly, but goddamnit, they warm my feet, and my spirit!



The snow stopped shortly after I arrived at work, thank the baby Jesus.

My work day was long, and boring. But! I had a delicious Bertucci's lunch with Mom, Fatty & his roomie. I even managed to save 2/3 of it for a later meal (which happened to be dinner).

When I got home, the sky was such an unbelievably gorgeous shade of cobalt, and I attempted to take a picture to share with you, unfortunately, it just came out dark.



I also fixed a bowl o fruit!



It was heavenly!

Tomorrow is training in the AM, home to clean up, and then back to the gym! Why, you ask?
Bob is hosting a Health & Wellness Expo! Right in the gym! I'll let you know if I learn anything :-)

I guess that's it... sorry for being so boring, hope you are all having a more exciting, more fabulous Friday night! For me? I'm going to bed. :-)

I was sitting on the couch, watching TV, and I heard, very loudly, a child screaming. Like, PAIN, DYING screaming. I got up and ran to the front door, opened it and listened. Just constant, hoarse, scary screaming. I thought it must be a fishercat, as I was told they sound like that.
It continued for a few minutes, and then faded slowly, so I knew it was moving away.

I just looked it up online, and apparently, what I heard was a red fox (like the cute guy I saw in my backyard!)

Did you know that fox's scream?! I guess I always assumed they had more of a bark.

Here's the sound...
Except each "howl" was longer, and VERY close so it was super loud.

Now, all I can hear is an owl hooting outside, and corgi snoring like an old man.

I couldn't ramble much in my update from this morning, as I was getting ready for work. So here's a little bit more nonsense...

I am reminded of how many lunges & squats I did with Kate on Saturday...because my buttcheeks are SO sore!

Sore buttcheeks! That's rough.

I am, however, very pleased at the lack of soreness I've been getting from the running. I used to get very sore legs & abs after jogging sessions, and now I don't!
Must be getting stronger.

So, I had my Free Day yesterday, that was nice! We went to a Spanish restaurant for lunch, where I had Tostones con Picadillo (sliced plantains with this chili-like meat concoction) it was quite delicious.
I think it was a very wise decision for me to change my rest day so that it wasn't on my free day. Knowing I have to run later stops me from really pigging out or making horrible choices. So it keeps me balanced, and that is SO important for me.

Today is my rest day, and I am quite happy about that :-) Bead night tonight!
For those of you interested.. we just moved our jewelry website HERE!

Awe, Fatty just texted me...he's sick today :-(
Yucka :-(

Well, I have to go do some work now. I hope you all have a great day!

I stole this from RODER who allegedly stole it from TONY. And I loved it.

". . . would cheat on your spouse on Christmas? What about Thanksgiving? Would you have an affair, but only on Halloween? If you wouldn't cheat on your spouse on a holiday, why do you think it's okay to cheat on yourself? Why is it okay to cheat on your diet/lifestyle?"

Of course, that is taking it pretty extreme, but I do agree with the sentiment. We do all seem to feel like it's OK to cheat ourselves, even though we are the kind of people that would NEVER cheat on someone else. And the biggest thing I hear from family, friends, coworkers, etc.. is "but its SUCH&SUCH, you can eat whatever you want today!" Whether it be a holiday, a birthday, or a day on which I "earned" something special... it's ALWAYS something. But for me.. it's not. Thanksgiving is NOT special enough for me to eat 4000 calories like it's nothing, and those homemade cookies you brought in are NOT special enough that I HAVE to try them (or be banished to the party-pooper section of the world)

Alanis (my hero!) has a song called Sorry 2 Myself, which says "I'm sorry to myself, for treating me worse than I would anybody else" And every time I hear that line I cringe a little, because I know how true it is, and I wish I could REALLY, reeeaaally let is sink in. I want to find the love and respect for myself that I have for everyone that I know.

So, let's not cheat ourselves anymore. And lets begin by apologizing to ourselves.

And here's the song, for anyone looking for some awesomeness today :


Please leave me a comment. Tell me what you apologize to yourself for.
Anything at all. And I mean EVERYBODY! Even my anonymous stalker readers :-) Stay anonymous if you please, but I want you to participate, it's important!

We all know that people say - don't go on a "diet" - just make better choices. Well, for one, I hate that people use the word "diet" as a bad word. A diet is simply the foods and nutrients that you consume. Koala's have a diet of eucalyptus. Sharks have a diet of surfers. I don't know why it had to become a curse, or denote a fad or unhealthy means of losing weight.

But I digress on that.

Because, I also disagree about just making "better" choices. I think you need to make the BEST choice in any situation.

Deciding that instead of eating 3 pieces of cake, you'll just have one. That is the "better" choice. Deciding to have no cake at all, is the BEST choice. See what I'm getting at?
We need to stop striving to just be better, and start trying to be the best. I think better is a trap. It makes us fool ourselves into thinking we're doing so great, when we're really not.

Last night we celebrated my Dad's bday. My Mom made pizzas, chicken wings, salad, boston creme pie, and some berries. I immediately thought of the "better" solution. I'll just have one small piece of pizza, and some salad (the pizza looked SO good!)
But then I thought.. why would I do that, when I have even better options? So, I ended up having 6 chicken wings, a piece of my mom's whole wheat bread covered with fresh tomato slices, and I finished it off with 4 strawberries and about 8 raspberries. A dinner that fit perfectly into my plan and was even better than the "better" choice. :)

So all I am saying is... don't settle for better, because better is just a compromise. And, this may be a strict philosophy... but compromises should be saved for maintenance. It's all about losing right now, and "better" just won't cut it!

I've been overweight as long as I can remember. I don't recall this, but it is safe to assume that as soon as I was able to physically feed myself, I fed myself far too much.
My mother is a compulsive/binge eater (sorry for airing your business, Mom!) and I wholeheartedly believe that it is hereditary. Because, I was born with it. I don't "eat my feelings", I just eat to eat. It's an addiction, a compulsion, whatever you want to call it. I was active enough as a child. I rode my bike, swam, ran, played basketball—all the usual kid-stuff. By the time I got to 5th or 6th grade I was starting to realize that I was chubby, and therefore immediately self conscious of it.

I rather quickly became the stereotypical "fat girl". I did it to myself. There were a couple other chunksters in my class, and they still had all the confidence in the world. Like they hadn't realized what it meant to be fat, yet.

It meant you were ashamed of yourself. It meant you were ugly. It meant that you craved attention all the more, but wouldn't want it once you got it. It meant extra baggy clothes and desperate attempts at invisibility. It meant blaming everything that went wrong on your being fat. It meant boys wouldn't like you, even though you didn't really want them to like you... because you didn't even like yourself.

The thing that sucks the most about being young and fat, is that you're not really allowed to be on a diet. You're young and growing, and maybe its just babyfat. In junior high I was in charge of packing my own lunches, and I, one day, decided that I was to be on a diet like my Mom. So I packed a super small lunch (similar to what I eat now, actually!) and later, my friend went to the guidance counselor and told her that she thought I was poor and didn't have enough money for food.
Humiliating!

But the thing is... in school, I never got made fun of for being fat. Kids were not cruel to me. I beat myself down all by myself. And the extra sad part it, the only times I did get teased for being fat were all as an adult! They always said, "kids can be cruel" but, adults are worse! I've been oinked at at the mall. Shouted at while walking down the street. And of course told by guys that they'd only like to date me if I would lose all the weight.

I even tried to force myself through a self-acceptance phase. Feeling that its the world that is wrong, not me! I can't lose weight, so I need to just learn to be one of those fat girls that embrace it!
But you know what? That girl doesn't exist. I've met some of them that think they are happy at that size . . . and the world can just go shove it!
But they ALL, every-single-one-of-them wants to lose weight. Its more of a defense mechanism for giving up, rather than true acceptance. And I don't want that either.
I want to be truly happy with who I am because it is WHAT I WANT TO BE, not what I am resigning to be.

People can be mean and judgmental, SURE. But its nature. We view thinner people as more attractive because it is HEALTHY and are built to want healthy partners, simple as that. You can't blame them for nature. I'm not "conforming to societies ideals of beauty" by losing weight... I am surviving by becoming the fittest. Simple as that.

I am sorry that there was no point to that whole thing!

I really have nothing to write about today. But you know, I HAVE to update! :-)
I hate when you take a trip over to someone's blog to check out the new happenings, and - WHAT? No new update?! How dare you make me waste the trip!?

Hate that. So, I would be sad if someone headed over to my Blog, and I hadn't updated!

So, I am updating :-)

I made french toast this morning for breakfast. Oh man, was it good!
I used the low-carb cinnamon raisin bread, and sugar free syrup, and it was heavenly.

Tonight, I am making taco salads for dinner. Yums!

Ok, that WAS boring. But hey, you can't say I didn't warn you.

Given the prompt, I could probably name a hundred thousand reasons why I want to lose weight. Today, I feel a need to remind myself (and share with you all) a few of them.

I want to wear fashionable clothes
I want to wear a swimsuit in public
I want to fit into movie theater seats, airlines, and park rides.
I want to gain some semblance of self-confidence
I want to get a handle on my anxiety, through that confidence.
I want to understand how Joel could possibly be attracted to me.
I want to go shopping with my average sized friends and family, and not sneak off to the fat lady department.
I want to walk, jog, dance, and just BE, without feeling judged, or embarrassed.
I want to feel like I am HEALTHY, and STRONG.
I want to not mind getting my picture taken.
I want to make my knees stronger, so they aren't as ouchie.
I want to wear high heels, and not put 50,000 pascals of pressure on each little heel.
I want to be in friend's weddings, and not hate every second of it. They deserve more.
I want to go to my High School reunion and be unrecognizable.
I want to give a silent F-U to some people from the past.
I want to be just like my Mom, in every way—but medically.
I want to not be fighting the fat battle until I die.
I want to eat, without feeling watched.
I want to be an inspiration to friends in my position.
I want to make Joel, and his family proud of him for being with me.
I want to go horseback riding
I want to feel like a twenty something girl, and not a 50 year old woman, or a linebacker.
I want to wear a tank top, or a sleeveless dress, or something above the knee!
I want to feel sexy, beautiful, or just NORMAL.
I want to keep up with Fatty on a jog around the neighborhood and still be able to BREATHE.
I want to prove myself.
I want to find out what my body actually looks like.
I want to just be OK with someone looking at me.
I want to be able to say "I lost over a hundred pounds!"
I want to be hit on.
I want to have pretty, dainty hands. And not cocktail wienie stumps.
I want to be able to drop and give you 20 at any time.
I want to go out with my awesome sister, and not just feel like her huge fat ugly shadow.
I want to not blush when people look at my cart in the grocery store and size me up by my purchases. (I wish I could make a sign - THE DORITOS AND OREOS ARE FOR MY BOYFRIEND!)
I want to travel with Joel someday, and not represent myself as a Fat American.
I want to wear a beautiful dress that I LOVE, not just something because it's the only one that came in a XXL.
I want to see people I haven't seen in a long time, and just hear "wow!".
I want to be able to cross my legs properly.
I want to not be afraid of change.
I want to feel FREE. This may not make sense to you. But, I can't explain it any better than that.

I could go on and on.

The gist of it is... no one wants to be overweight. Overweight people are discriminated against. Yes, by the general public, and people around you. But mostly.. by yourself.
I have NEVER, not once in my 27 years, ever liked myself.
I recognize that I am, for the most part, a good person. I am relatively smart. I am kind, and I have a sense of humor. I can recognize those things without being proud of who I am.
I have always been fat. And I have never forgiven myself for it.

I guess this is where my change needs to come from. I need to find a way to forgive myself. There's an Alanis song that says -

"I'm sorry to myself, for treating me worse than I would anybody else. I'm sorry to my myself, my apologies begin here before anybody else."

And if that ain't the truth, I don't know what is.

In every other aspect of my life, I believe in the philosophy of simply "moving along". If you know me, you've heard me say - "nothing you can do about it, just let it go"
So I will take my own advice. There is no way I can go back in time and un-make myself fat. So, all I can do is move ahead. and let.it.go.
Whatever made me fat?
screw it.
Whatever kept me fat?
screw it.

I'm changing it all now. No matter how long it takes, whether I achieve all my reasons up there or not. I will do my best, and leave my sad, sorry, unhealthy self behind me.

Moving on, and letting it go.