Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Never Enough

I never feel like anything is enough.

I guess I could just end there, and you would all know what I mean.

I work really hard. I want people to notice my work and appreciate me for me. I want to feel like I contribute, I want to feel useful.  I get ignoring and then negativity. 

I exercise as much as I feel like I can. More than most people I know. I still feel disgustingly out of shape.

I count my calories, measure my foods.  I can't lose any weight, and people just mock me for dieting.

I schedule time, move plans, sacrifice things for the people I love. They want more, or something different. 

I clean and scrub, and feel like I still come home to a mess. 

I don't know why we expect so much from ourselves. I don't know why we  can't step back and just be proud of our work, whether others see it or not.
Why can't we do what makes us happy, what makes us feel good, without fear of disappointing someone else.

It is so bad that I've allowed myself to be defined by my weight.  I have, since a child, felt like I am an inferior person, because of my body. I completely allow myself to be taken advantage of, because I feel like I don't deserve any better. I get prejudged, and I am "ok" with it, because "it's human nature"

This isn't just for a waaaahmbulance trip, I promise. 

It's a babbling way of saying...

I need to be a whole person. 
I need to believe that I deserve what I work for.
I am not an inferior person. 
People can, and DO love me for who I am, and not what I can do for them.
My fat does not define me. My determination to rid myself of it will help define me. 

No, I don't know how to do this. I don't even know where to start. But, I have to try.
I think we all have to try. I think the most amazing, freeing feeling in the world would just BE ME.  Be me and feel good about it!

2 refreshing comments:

Melissa Whittaker (mswhittaker23) said...

Well, I for one, love any bit of time you can give me, and fully understand you are super busy and have so many wonderful other friends and family that need you too! :) So, I hope I never demand too much from you! :)

And, I am totally right there with you on the cleaning part - I feel like the house is always cluttered or dirty. Something needs to be done, and I can't get to it all (especially now). It's frustrating as hell.

I feel the same way about the jewelry business. I never feel satisfied with our inventory or the Etsy shop...always wish more was being done. But, I'm not really doing anything to boost that right now :(

muddymamma said...

I never feel like anything is enough.

I guess I could just end there, and you would all know what I mean.
"I work really hard..."
You're intelligent, diligent and organized with an artistic eye. You never do anything half-assed, if they want more than that... screw-em.

"I exercise as much as I can..."
Way-way more than most! You're incredibly fit and strong, 'nuff said.

"I count my calories..."
The only thing I can think of is to have your metabolism tested. There has to be a reason your body hangs onto every darn calorie!

"I schedule time, move plans..."
We all know how freakishly busy your life is! I for one appreciate any and all time I can get with you.

"I clean and scrub..."
Take the pressure OFF. Get a cleaning service to come in .. even once a month to do the big stuff... floors etc.Your time can be better spent!