Monday, November 8, 2010

All Because I Wanted To Be A Zombie

I wanted to be Zombified. 

In order to be zombified (aside from being bit from a zombie), I needed to find a picture of myself. 
It's not easy to do, when you're as photo-phobic as myself. 
Anyway, I started scouring my computer for a picture of my face.  In the process I passed many pictures.  Pictures from 10 years ago, pictures from 5 years ago, pictures from 5 months ago. 
Everything in these pictures have changed over time... my hair cut and color, my glasses, my clothes, my shoes.... everything except one... MY SIZE. 

Looking back at my body, I look exactly the same. 
I can't begin to express to you how frustrating it is. 
Sometimes,  I get finished my workout, all sweaty and amped up, I feel great. I feel small and muscular. I feel fit and accomplished. 

And then. 

I look down. 
Or god forbid, I see a mirror. 

I am more healthy and more strong now than I have ever been before. I know that. And believe me... I do not discount the power of that.  
But, I look the same.  The same as the days, the weeks, the years I've spent hating this body and just wishing and wishing that I could just wake up and be "normal" 
I pull up pictures of me at age 20, I place it, side-by-side to a picture of me now.  My arms - the same size. My legs - the same, gigantic size. 

I realize that I sound hopeless. And it certainly does feel that way. 
Nothing will make me stop working for this. 

But seriously, is it too much to ask for some tiny rewards along the way? Maybe just a little hint of muscle definition?  Maybe a cheek bone? Something, just a little something?!

2 refreshing comments:

Beth @ Kitchen Minions said...

You know, I really wish I could promise some positive something. But I'm right there with you. I've always felt fat, no matter how fat or less fat I've been. I don't think it's reality, I think it's our negative perception of ourselves. You are beautiful. But I know the big problem is seeing it ourselves.

Melissa Whittaker said...

Honestly, you look the same TO YOU.

You do NOT look the same to me, and I'm sure, to others.

If I compared the picture of you on the beach vs. one from my wedding, there's a huge difference. If you posted both side by side up here, and put it to a vote, others would too.

I know how hard it is for YOU to see the difference in how you look, but you DO look different. Your face and your waist line LOOK thinner, even if the measurements don't tell you this or you can't see it yourself.

I wish you could. :/