We Kin Get Thin!

I don't know how I thought I could get away with remodeling my body but not changing my mind. 

Don't get me wrong now, I don't believe in "The Secret" or anything that specific.  I don't believe that positive thinking  alone will magically make me thin. However,  I can't help but wonder if the lack of self-belief has been my tether this whole time.  How can I succeed, if I really don't think I can?
It seems silly.  I understand that.  But bear with me.

Logically, I know how badly I want this. I want it more than anything. I can write lists, miles long, for all the reasons I want to lose weight.  I try to imagine my body, and my life, as it is in this dream future. But I never stopped to think if I really thought I'd do it. If I truly believed it could happen.

The answer is no, I don't think I do.

I am a fat girl. I always have been, and therefore, a very large part of my personality is based on this. Being overweight has truly sculpted who I am. How I react to things, and how I interact with other people.  That is quite a bit of ones self to just toss out the window in exchange for some size 8 pants.

When someone tells me I look thinner, I waste not a second in telling them I have not lost any weight. I have not lost any inches. Oh, but thanks anyway.  I am quick to tell you how much I despise exercise. How I can't express myself properly in my clothing because they just don't sell much in my size.
I seem to go out of my way, to convince people that I am not changing.

Change is scary, especially to me. I've spent my life avoiding it. Why should weight loss be any different? Just because I WANT it does not make it exempt. Doesn't mean it won't drastically push me from my comfort zone.  I repeatedly fail to realize this.

Eating well, working out, drinking water, it's all healthy and great. But what is it doing for me, if I am not willing to simply believe in it?  What if I love working out, and I just won't let myself feel that?
What if I can be confident in my ability to lose this weight, without fear or doubt?

What if, what if?!  

I need to erase the what ifs.  I need to find a way to believe in myself and the goals I am working toward.  I need to stop poo-pooing people's comment and compliments. I need to find confidence in myself and my resolve to see this through.  I don't want to get down to my goal weight and still be who I am right now.  I don't want that.

I honestly haven't a clue how to accomplish this. How do you start believing in yourself? I don't know. But I know I am going to try. I have to.

Of all the diets, programs, and gimmicks I have tried (and failed at). . . believing I could do it was never one of them.  Now,  I truly feel that it is the most important hurdle for me to tackle, or I will never make it over the next ones.

Reading this over, I've decided my first baby steps are as follows - 


1. Stop hating exercise. I say I don't enjoy it because it hurts, its gross and sweaty, it makes me do more laundry, it takes time from my day, blah blah.   I will turn this around.  If it hurts, its working.  If I am sweating? Its working! Laundry? Ppshaw.   Time from my day?  Maybe I can learn to consider it "me" time.  Find a way to make it cathartic in some way.  People do that. I know they do.  Simply put, I can't really hate exercise the way I think I do.


2. Find a positive way to respond. When someone tells me I look smaller, I need to respond in a positive way. They don't need to know that I haven't lost anything recently.  I will say, "Thank you, I've been working very hard."  And when they say "How much have you lost now?"  I can answer truthfully but not harshly.  "I have lost 35lbs total" I don't need to include that its been 2 years to lose that.


I apologize for this lengthy post.
But I applaud you if you finished it! :)

Can anyone offer me some advice, on how to believe in myself?