Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Yay'o'Naisse Again

YAYS

• Food-wise, I am at a really good place right now. I am becoming a natural at portion control (for myself. Still having a hard time with feeding other people! I just want to PROVIDE, DAMNIT) I am without a doubt eating consistently healthier than I ever have in my life. I am able to portion out small treats without triggering a binge. Its a work in progress, of course. But the progress feels good.

• Same as above, but with exercise.
I am working out more, and more consistently now than ever before. I still hate doing it ... and it is still very hard to fit it into my schedule, even though it has become the sole thing that I schedule everything else around. It becomes cumbersome and overwhelming at times... but I am proud of myself for staying on it, and being willing to sacrifice a lot of time for it.

• I'm toying with the thought of making a video blog
(the word vlog sounds gross).
Anyone that knows me knows how much I despise having my picture or video taken. It causes me so much anxiety. But I am often reminded that this blog was supposed to be about me not only losing weight, but also coming to terms with who I am, how I look, and learning to be open about it. I made a short journal-entry type video for myself a week or so ago, after simply wondering if my laptop could take video. :-) (it can!) And then, I watched it. And I don't see myself in that person. At all. I never have. Maybe I need to make MORE videos and force myself to watch them. Force myself to recognize ME. I know it seems strange. But hey, I'm a strange girl!
So, don't be too freaked out if, in the near future, I post a video of myself! And if I do.... be nice to me! :-) I'd like to get Fatty in on it too sometime... but that will be a battle!

• I am getting a massage tonight!!



NAYS

• Naturally.. my lack of weight loss is a major NAY. I wish I could just keep on keepin' on. Be happy eating healthy & working out... learn to embrace my body in all its chunkness. But I CAN'T! I have a LOT of weight to lose. That's not opinion, that is fact! But not losing pounds or inches is really affecting me. I can't help that. The most frustrating thing is to be starting to feel like a new person. Like I am some healthy, strong, jogging, health-food eating girl...and then I look in the mirror.. and I am not that girl. I am still a fat girl. Its like being transgendered or something...I associate with a completely different person than my outside represents.

• My outside running sucks. I am far better on the treadmill than I am outside. This differential is going to make ever doing a road race very difficult. Especially since all my training will be over the winter, when I can't run outside.

• My left knee is angry. I don't know why. I am trying to be nice to it! But it just won't feel better :-(

7 refreshing comments:

Salina Lyn said...

Keep up all the good stuff you're doing and your body will catch up eventually. Be patient and trust yourself.

Chai Latté said...

Oh Salina,
I agree with you.. but I've been patient and waiting for my body to catch up for almost 2 years now.
I don't think it's coming to the party :-/

~Oct said...

Ooh, massage sounds lovely! Hope the knee stops being angry soon. Grats on your yays, you are doing so many great things even though some of them are difficult or a hassle.

Chai Latté said...

Thanks Oct! I hope the ol' knee-ball feels better soon too. I am used to it hurting, but not this bad!

Melissa Whittaker said...

i wish i was getting a massage :(

Between Sizes said...

Relish those Yays. You've worked hard. Enjoy the massage.

MackAttack said...

I don't get your body! But way to go doing the right things! How was the massage? Sounds awesome!