I was discussing these thoughts with Debbie the other night over dinner, so it's been on my mind a little bit.
I feel like I becoming a new person. Not totally different, mind you, I'm the still the Shannon you all know and love ;-), but changed. Improved!
I am slowly becoming a healthier person, in all aspects of the word. I nourish my body properly and healthfully. I exercise to lose fat, gain strength, improve my heart, and thwart illnesses. I educate myself about the body and the nutrients it requires. This is who I've always wanted to become.
I'd read the blogs of girls with amazing knowledge and such healthy outlooks on food and fitness and I've dreamed of becoming like them. I truly think I am on my way to being that.
But here's my issue. I feel like I am going it alone.
Now PLEASE, do NOT misunderstand me.
I have A-M-A-Z-I-N-G friends. Joel, my friends, my family, my blogger buddies... their support is strong and unwavering. And I do not mean to say that that is not good enough for me.
I want to reach my goals and have someone there with me who has reached them too. Not specifically weight loss. (I have my amazing Mom for that!) More-so, someone I can call up and say "I wanna go for a long run and then eat a gigantic salad with you" and they will say - OH HECK YES, LET ME GET MY SNEAKS ON.
My biggest fear is that I will become a nuisance to my friends and family. That I will become that jerk that tries to convert people into eating healthy or something. I don't want people to think of me like - Oh, look at Shannon, she lost all that weight and now she thinks she's better than everyone. I don't want to impose my choice upon someone else. And when I find myself doing it (ie : begging Joel to work out) I realize it's not because I want him to lose weight or feel healthier, it's because I don't want to do it alone. I'm hard on Fatty when he doesn't work out or eat well, not because I fear for his body, but because I feel abandoned. It's selfish and downright stupid.
This is all surprising to me because I thought I never wanted a support group, I thought I preferred to do everything alone and not share it with anyone. It's turning out the exact opposite.
Can anyone tell me if they've also felt this way?
If it's just part of the journey? Or if I am just a complete boob?
PS : Just another note to my RL friends & fam :
I can't express enough how much your love and friendship mean to me, and just because we don't jog together, or eat chia seeds together doesn't mean I don't value everything you are to me.
Melissa, Fatty, Adam, Debbie, Dad & Mom especially... you are SO much motivation and support for me, so please don't think any of this has anything to do with that! I am not looking for replacements with six packs for all of you :-) You are all so perfect as you are!
Showing posts with label epiphany. Show all posts
Showing posts with label epiphany. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
I don't know what I was thinking.
I don't know how I thought I could get away with remodeling my body but not changing my mind.
Don't get me wrong now, I don't believe in "The Secret" or anything that specific. I don't believe that positive thinking alone will magically make me thin. However, I can't help but wonder if the lack of self-belief has been my tether this whole time. How can I succeed, if I really don't think I can?
It seems silly. I understand that. But bear with me.
Logically, I know how badly I want this. I want it more than anything. I can write lists, miles long, for all the reasons I want to lose weight. I try to imagine my body, and my life, as it is in this dream future. But I never stopped to think if I really thought I'd do it. If I truly believed it could happen.
The answer is no, I don't think I do.
I am a fat girl. I always have been, and therefore, a very large part of my personality is based on this. Being overweight has truly sculpted who I am. How I react to things, and how I interact with other people. That is quite a bit of ones self to just toss out the window in exchange for some size 8 pants.
When someone tells me I look thinner, I waste not a second in telling them I have not lost any weight. I have not lost any inches. Oh, but thanks anyway. I am quick to tell you how much I despise exercise. How I can't express myself properly in my clothing because they just don't sell much in my size.
I seem to go out of my way, to convince people that I am not changing.
Change is scary, especially to me. I've spent my life avoiding it. Why should weight loss be any different? Just because I WANT it does not make it exempt. Doesn't mean it won't drastically push me from my comfort zone. I repeatedly fail to realize this.
Eating well, working out, drinking water, it's all healthy and great. But what is it doing for me, if I am not willing to simply believe in it? What if I love working out, and I just won't let myself feel that?
What if I can be confident in my ability to lose this weight, without fear or doubt?
What if, what if?!
I need to erase the what ifs. I need to find a way to believe in myself and the goals I am working toward. I need to stop poo-pooing people's comment and compliments. I need to find confidence in myself and my resolve to see this through. I don't want to get down to my goal weight and still be who I am right now. I don't want that.
I honestly haven't a clue how to accomplish this. How do you start believing in yourself? I don't know. But I know I am going to try. I have to.
Of all the diets, programs, and gimmicks I have tried (and failed at). . . believing I could do it was never one of them. Now, I truly feel that it is the most important hurdle for me to tackle, or I will never make it over the next ones.
Reading this over, I've decided my first baby steps are as follows -
1. Stop hating exercise. I say I don't enjoy it because it hurts, its gross and sweaty, it makes me do more laundry, it takes time from my day, blah blah. I will turn this around. If it hurts, its working. If I am sweating? Its working! Laundry? Ppshaw. Time from my day? Maybe I can learn to consider it "me" time. Find a way to make it cathartic in some way. People do that. I know they do. Simply put, I can't really hate exercise the way I think I do.
2. Find a positive way to respond. When someone tells me I look smaller, I need to respond in a positive way. They don't need to know that I haven't lost anything recently. I will say, "Thank you, I've been working very hard." And when they say "How much have you lost now?" I can answer truthfully but not harshly. "I have lost 35lbs total" I don't need to include that its been 2 years to lose that.
I apologize for this lengthy post.
But I applaud you if you finished it! :)
Can anyone offer me some advice, on how to believe in myself?
Don't get me wrong now, I don't believe in "The Secret" or anything that specific. I don't believe that positive thinking alone will magically make me thin. However, I can't help but wonder if the lack of self-belief has been my tether this whole time. How can I succeed, if I really don't think I can?
It seems silly. I understand that. But bear with me.
Logically, I know how badly I want this. I want it more than anything. I can write lists, miles long, for all the reasons I want to lose weight. I try to imagine my body, and my life, as it is in this dream future. But I never stopped to think if I really thought I'd do it. If I truly believed it could happen.
The answer is no, I don't think I do.
I am a fat girl. I always have been, and therefore, a very large part of my personality is based on this. Being overweight has truly sculpted who I am. How I react to things, and how I interact with other people. That is quite a bit of ones self to just toss out the window in exchange for some size 8 pants.
When someone tells me I look thinner, I waste not a second in telling them I have not lost any weight. I have not lost any inches. Oh, but thanks anyway. I am quick to tell you how much I despise exercise. How I can't express myself properly in my clothing because they just don't sell much in my size.
I seem to go out of my way, to convince people that I am not changing.
Change is scary, especially to me. I've spent my life avoiding it. Why should weight loss be any different? Just because I WANT it does not make it exempt. Doesn't mean it won't drastically push me from my comfort zone. I repeatedly fail to realize this.
Eating well, working out, drinking water, it's all healthy and great. But what is it doing for me, if I am not willing to simply believe in it? What if I love working out, and I just won't let myself feel that?
What if I can be confident in my ability to lose this weight, without fear or doubt?
What if, what if?!
I need to erase the what ifs. I need to find a way to believe in myself and the goals I am working toward. I need to stop poo-pooing people's comment and compliments. I need to find confidence in myself and my resolve to see this through. I don't want to get down to my goal weight and still be who I am right now. I don't want that.
I honestly haven't a clue how to accomplish this. How do you start believing in yourself? I don't know. But I know I am going to try. I have to.
Of all the diets, programs, and gimmicks I have tried (and failed at). . . believing I could do it was never one of them. Now, I truly feel that it is the most important hurdle for me to tackle, or I will never make it over the next ones.
Reading this over, I've decided my first baby steps are as follows -
1. Stop hating exercise. I say I don't enjoy it because it hurts, its gross and sweaty, it makes me do more laundry, it takes time from my day, blah blah. I will turn this around. If it hurts, its working. If I am sweating? Its working! Laundry? Ppshaw. Time from my day? Maybe I can learn to consider it "me" time. Find a way to make it cathartic in some way. People do that. I know they do. Simply put, I can't really hate exercise the way I think I do.
2. Find a positive way to respond. When someone tells me I look smaller, I need to respond in a positive way. They don't need to know that I haven't lost anything recently. I will say, "Thank you, I've been working very hard." And when they say "How much have you lost now?" I can answer truthfully but not harshly. "I have lost 35lbs total" I don't need to include that its been 2 years to lose that.
I apologize for this lengthy post.
But I applaud you if you finished it! :)
Can anyone offer me some advice, on how to believe in myself?
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Sorry Dudes, small bout of Lady Talk ahead. Just a tiny bit. I swear!
Wiley scale tells me that I am holding 5lbs of water! Between yesterday and today, my fat mass went down 5lbs (therefore lean mass, went up 5lbs) And my weight is nearly the same.
Amazing, I tell you. Goes to show how right I am when I say I am not 'in tune' with my body.
I have never felt like I am bloated. I always say, lady time comes and goes and I don't see the effect of it on my water retention. But right there, Wiley tells me otherwise!
IF this is true, it also means that in a few days, I may in fact be DOWN in weight. :) I am hopeful!
My main focus this week has been only eating what I deem 'necessary' food. Meaning, no little bites of something here and there, no snacks just for the sake of snacks. No adding ingredients to things that aren't essential. Just healthy, portioned out food when I am hungry, or when I feel like my body needs it. Before I eat something, I say to myself.. "is this necessary?" If yes, GOBBLE GOBBLE. If not... I put it down!
I feel like this is going to help me get into a much more natural way of staying within my caloric budget. I've been eating well up to now, counting calories and all that, but it feels like such a chore, because I felt like I was clipping coupons or something. Saving up calories for something, cutting calories from somewhere else, cutting myself off from eating because I'd reached my limit.. etc.
But now, I hope to be teaching myself how to know when it needs food for fuel and when it's just out of boredom. 2010 is The Year of Balance for me, and this is my first step.
Amazing, I tell you. Goes to show how right I am when I say I am not 'in tune' with my body.
I have never felt like I am bloated. I always say, lady time comes and goes and I don't see the effect of it on my water retention. But right there, Wiley tells me otherwise!
IF this is true, it also means that in a few days, I may in fact be DOWN in weight. :) I am hopeful!
My main focus this week has been only eating what I deem 'necessary' food. Meaning, no little bites of something here and there, no snacks just for the sake of snacks. No adding ingredients to things that aren't essential. Just healthy, portioned out food when I am hungry, or when I feel like my body needs it. Before I eat something, I say to myself.. "is this necessary?" If yes, GOBBLE GOBBLE. If not... I put it down!
I feel like this is going to help me get into a much more natural way of staying within my caloric budget. I've been eating well up to now, counting calories and all that, but it feels like such a chore, because I felt like I was clipping coupons or something. Saving up calories for something, cutting calories from somewhere else, cutting myself off from eating because I'd reached my limit.. etc.
But now, I hope to be teaching myself how to know when it needs food for fuel and when it's just out of boredom. 2010 is The Year of Balance for me, and this is my first step.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Waiting at the wagonstop
Chances are, that in a year.. or even in a month from now... I won't recall the minute details of this particular day, or weekend. If anything, I'll remember going to Fatty's house-warming party, playing games and laughing. I might remember sitting with Corgi in the hot sun on the back deck, watching the dragonflies. I will certainly remember Melissa giving me an awesome ring as a Disney souvenir.
What I won't remember is what I ate.
How can it seem like food runs my life, when looking back makes it seem SO insanely inconsequential?
This weekend I fell off the proverbial wagon. I couldn't go to training, my shoulder aches like a beast, LadyTime™, I'm sick of not losing, etc. etc. bullshit etc.
It doesn't matter the reasons, or excuses. I ate whatever the hell I wanted this weekend. And of COURSE it felt good while I was doing it, but will I even remember those moments? Absolutely not.
I am glad, however, that I will NOT let this snowball. I have been a little more relaxed in my meals in the past few weeks, but I was still keeping it in check. This weekend was the last straw though. I obviously need to be more strict with myself.
I am going to go back to the Body-For-Life style plan. Requires a lot of planning, prepping, packing.. but I know it works, I know its healthy, and I know I can do it.
*CLUNK, eeeeEEEeeeeooooof, sigh*
(that is the sound of my hauling my fat ass back onto that damn wagon)
What I won't remember is what I ate.
How can it seem like food runs my life, when looking back makes it seem SO insanely inconsequential?
This weekend I fell off the proverbial wagon. I couldn't go to training, my shoulder aches like a beast, LadyTime™, I'm sick of not losing, etc. etc. bullshit etc.
It doesn't matter the reasons, or excuses. I ate whatever the hell I wanted this weekend. And of COURSE it felt good while I was doing it, but will I even remember those moments? Absolutely not.
I am glad, however, that I will NOT let this snowball. I have been a little more relaxed in my meals in the past few weeks, but I was still keeping it in check. This weekend was the last straw though. I obviously need to be more strict with myself.
I am going to go back to the Body-For-Life style plan. Requires a lot of planning, prepping, packing.. but I know it works, I know its healthy, and I know I can do it.
*CLUNK, eeeeEEEeeeeooooof, sigh*
(that is the sound of my hauling my fat ass back onto that damn wagon)
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
My reasons, and an apology
Given the prompt, I could probably name a hundred thousand reasons why I want to lose weight. Today, I feel a need to remind myself (and share with you all) a few of them.
I want to wear fashionable clothes
I want to wear a swimsuit in public
I want to fit into movie theater seats, airlines, and park rides.
I want to gain some semblance of self-confidence
I want to get a handle on my anxiety, through that confidence.
I want to understand how Joel could possibly be attracted to me.
I want to go shopping with my average sized friends and family, and not sneak off to the fat lady department.
I want to walk, jog, dance, and just BE, without feeling judged, or embarrassed.
I want to feel like I am HEALTHY, and STRONG.
I want to not mind getting my picture taken.
I want to make my knees stronger, so they aren't as ouchie.
I want to wear high heels, and not put 50,000 pascals of pressure on each little heel.
I want to be in friend's weddings, and not hate every second of it. They deserve more.
I want to go to my High School reunion and be unrecognizable.
I want to give a silent F-U to some people from the past.
I want to be just like my Mom, in every way—but medically.
I want to not be fighting the fat battle until I die.
I want to eat, without feeling watched.
I want to be an inspiration to friends in my position.
I want to make Joel, and his family proud of him for being with me.
I want to go horseback riding
I want to feel like a twenty something girl, and not a 50 year old woman, or a linebacker.
I want to wear a tank top, or a sleeveless dress, or something above the knee!
I want to feel sexy, beautiful, or just NORMAL.
I want to keep up with Fatty on a jog around the neighborhood and still be able to BREATHE.
I want to prove myself.
I want to find out what my body actually looks like.
I want to just be OK with someone looking at me.
I want to be able to say "I lost over a hundred pounds!"
I want to be hit on.
I want to have pretty, dainty hands. And not cocktail wienie stumps.
I want to be able to drop and give you 20 at any time.
I want to go out with my awesome sister, and not just feel like her huge fat ugly shadow.
I want to not blush when people look at my cart in the grocery store and size me up by my purchases. (I wish I could make a sign - THE DORITOS AND OREOS ARE FOR MY BOYFRIEND!)
I want to travel with Joel someday, and not represent myself as a Fat American.
I want to wear a beautiful dress that I LOVE, not just something because it's the only one that came in a XXL.
I want to see people I haven't seen in a long time, and just hear "wow!".
I want to be able to cross my legs properly.
I want to not be afraid of change.
I want to feel FREE. This may not make sense to you. But, I can't explain it any better than that.
I could go on and on.
The gist of it is... no one wants to be overweight. Overweight people are discriminated against. Yes, by the general public, and people around you. But mostly.. by yourself.
I have NEVER, not once in my 27 years, ever liked myself.
I recognize that I am, for the most part, a good person. I am relatively smart. I am kind, and I have a sense of humor. I can recognize those things without being proud of who I am.
I have always been fat. And I have never forgiven myself for it.
I guess this is where my change needs to come from. I need to find a way to forgive myself. There's an Alanis song that says -
"I'm sorry to myself, for treating me worse than I would anybody else. I'm sorry to my myself, my apologies begin here before anybody else."
And if that ain't the truth, I don't know what is.
In every other aspect of my life, I believe in the philosophy of simply "moving along". If you know me, you've heard me say - "nothing you can do about it, just let it go"
So I will take my own advice. There is no way I can go back in time and un-make myself fat. So, all I can do is move ahead. and let.it.go.
Whatever made me fat?
screw it.
Whatever kept me fat?
screw it.
I'm changing it all now. No matter how long it takes, whether I achieve all my reasons up there or not. I will do my best, and leave my sad, sorry, unhealthy self behind me.
Moving on, and letting it go.
I want to wear fashionable clothes
I want to wear a swimsuit in public
I want to fit into movie theater seats, airlines, and park rides.
I want to gain some semblance of self-confidence
I want to get a handle on my anxiety, through that confidence.
I want to understand how Joel could possibly be attracted to me.
I want to go shopping with my average sized friends and family, and not sneak off to the fat lady department.
I want to walk, jog, dance, and just BE, without feeling judged, or embarrassed.
I want to feel like I am HEALTHY, and STRONG.
I want to not mind getting my picture taken.
I want to make my knees stronger, so they aren't as ouchie.
I want to wear high heels, and not put 50,000 pascals of pressure on each little heel.
I want to be in friend's weddings, and not hate every second of it. They deserve more.
I want to go to my High School reunion and be unrecognizable.
I want to give a silent F-U to some people from the past.
I want to be just like my Mom, in every way—but medically.
I want to not be fighting the fat battle until I die.
I want to eat, without feeling watched.
I want to be an inspiration to friends in my position.
I want to make Joel, and his family proud of him for being with me.
I want to go horseback riding
I want to feel like a twenty something girl, and not a 50 year old woman, or a linebacker.
I want to wear a tank top, or a sleeveless dress, or something above the knee!
I want to feel sexy, beautiful, or just NORMAL.
I want to keep up with Fatty on a jog around the neighborhood and still be able to BREATHE.
I want to prove myself.
I want to find out what my body actually looks like.
I want to just be OK with someone looking at me.
I want to be able to say "I lost over a hundred pounds!"
I want to be hit on.
I want to have pretty, dainty hands. And not cocktail wienie stumps.
I want to be able to drop and give you 20 at any time.
I want to go out with my awesome sister, and not just feel like her huge fat ugly shadow.
I want to not blush when people look at my cart in the grocery store and size me up by my purchases. (I wish I could make a sign - THE DORITOS AND OREOS ARE FOR MY BOYFRIEND!)
I want to travel with Joel someday, and not represent myself as a Fat American.
I want to wear a beautiful dress that I LOVE, not just something because it's the only one that came in a XXL.
I want to see people I haven't seen in a long time, and just hear "wow!".
I want to be able to cross my legs properly.
I want to not be afraid of change.
I want to feel FREE. This may not make sense to you. But, I can't explain it any better than that.
I could go on and on.
The gist of it is... no one wants to be overweight. Overweight people are discriminated against. Yes, by the general public, and people around you. But mostly.. by yourself.
I have NEVER, not once in my 27 years, ever liked myself.
I recognize that I am, for the most part, a good person. I am relatively smart. I am kind, and I have a sense of humor. I can recognize those things without being proud of who I am.
I have always been fat. And I have never forgiven myself for it.
I guess this is where my change needs to come from. I need to find a way to forgive myself. There's an Alanis song that says -
"I'm sorry to myself, for treating me worse than I would anybody else. I'm sorry to my myself, my apologies begin here before anybody else."
And if that ain't the truth, I don't know what is.
In every other aspect of my life, I believe in the philosophy of simply "moving along". If you know me, you've heard me say - "nothing you can do about it, just let it go"
So I will take my own advice. There is no way I can go back in time and un-make myself fat. So, all I can do is move ahead. and let.it.go.
Whatever made me fat?
screw it.
Whatever kept me fat?
screw it.
I'm changing it all now. No matter how long it takes, whether I achieve all my reasons up there or not. I will do my best, and leave my sad, sorry, unhealthy self behind me.
Moving on, and letting it go.
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