Thursday, September 10, 2009

Chai's random blatherings on being fat.

I've been overweight as long as I can remember. I don't recall this, but it is safe to assume that as soon as I was able to physically feed myself, I fed myself far too much.
My mother is a compulsive/binge eater (sorry for airing your business, Mom!) and I wholeheartedly believe that it is hereditary. Because, I was born with it. I don't "eat my feelings", I just eat to eat. It's an addiction, a compulsion, whatever you want to call it. I was active enough as a child. I rode my bike, swam, ran, played basketball—all the usual kid-stuff. By the time I got to 5th or 6th grade I was starting to realize that I was chubby, and therefore immediately self conscious of it.

I rather quickly became the stereotypical "fat girl". I did it to myself. There were a couple other chunksters in my class, and they still had all the confidence in the world. Like they hadn't realized what it meant to be fat, yet.

It meant you were ashamed of yourself. It meant you were ugly. It meant that you craved attention all the more, but wouldn't want it once you got it. It meant extra baggy clothes and desperate attempts at invisibility. It meant blaming everything that went wrong on your being fat. It meant boys wouldn't like you, even though you didn't really want them to like you... because you didn't even like yourself.

The thing that sucks the most about being young and fat, is that you're not really allowed to be on a diet. You're young and growing, and maybe its just babyfat. In junior high I was in charge of packing my own lunches, and I, one day, decided that I was to be on a diet like my Mom. So I packed a super small lunch (similar to what I eat now, actually!) and later, my friend went to the guidance counselor and told her that she thought I was poor and didn't have enough money for food.

But the thing is... in school, I never got made fun of for being fat. Kids were not cruel to me. I beat myself down all by myself. And the extra sad part it, the only times I did get teased for being fat were all as an adult! They always said, "kids can be cruel" but, adults are worse! I've been oinked at at the mall. Shouted at while walking down the street. And of course told by guys that they'd only like to date me if I would lose all the weight.

I even tried to force myself through a self-acceptance phase. Feeling that its the world that is wrong, not me! I can't lose weight, so I need to just learn to be one of those fat girls that embrace it!
But you know what? That girl doesn't exist. I've met some of them that think they are happy at that size . . . and the world can just go shove it!
But they ALL, every-single-one-of-them wants to lose weight. Its more of a defense mechanism for giving up, rather than true acceptance. And I don't want that either.
I want to be truly happy with who I am because it is WHAT I WANT TO BE, not what I am resigning to be.

People can be mean and judgmental, SURE. But its nature. We view thinner people as more attractive because it is HEALTHY and are built to want healthy partners, simple as that. You can't blame them for nature. I'm not "conforming to societies ideals of beauty" by losing weight... I am surviving by becoming the fittest. Simple as that.

I am sorry that there was no point to that whole thing!

5 refreshing comments:

Ol Man said...

Ol' Mans random blatherings...

Chai, you have figured out the solution... Knowledge is the best weapon against any problem. In order to solve any problem, you need to understand the problem. Once that has been determined then it's time to formulate a plan to solve the problem. Then comes the hardest part of the problem solving process, the impementation and enforcing (some call this will power) of the plan. Wether it's a poor running car, out of tune guitar or a broken waist line, understanding the root cause is the only way to fix the end results. Stay on the path and time will yield to your cause.

Cheers to your fitness program!!

Chai Latté said...

very well said, Dad. You're right, and you're the best!

laura said...

so much of that i could have written myself. growing up overweight confines you to this role, and no one does well when pegged like that.

sometimes i envy those who can just say "screw the world! i am what i am, deal with it." but i haven't met someone who can carry that mantra day in and day out, like you said everyone wants to better themselves somehow.

you will get where you want to be, and it's gonna be fantastic!

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry about the genes :-/
I'm also sorry that I never knew that you and Fatty were.... wellll .... fatties. That is both the blessing and the curse of seeing through "mom eyes". You were (and are) my beautiful,smart, funny,loving perfect babies! I wish I had known... It makes me very sad that I was blind to your pain...I love you... mom

MackAttack said...

Gosh, this sounds so familiar. Well said!