Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Same rant, different day!

Like most humans, nothing motivates me more than seeing results from my hard work. Last night, I was not feeling very motivated to hop on the treadmill, so I decided to take some pictures of myself, and compare them to old ones. People have been telling me I look smaller, so maybe seeing it for myself will help.

Nope.

I even went so far as to recreate the outfit and pose from an older picture and dissect it, side-by-side.

No. Change.

I then tried on some too-tight clothes, hoping for a miracle.  Still, no change.

I had to dig pretty damn deep to find the determination to even work out last night, after that.
But I hopped on the treadmill anyway, and busted out another 5k. I even shaved off 2 minutes of my time...  (51 min) AND, I jogged a mile straight in there (which is big for me!).

I truly wish I could just be satisfied with the improved health, strength, and stamina.  But honestly, I am starting to feel like a sham.  I feel like I am fooling myself, and those around me. I can only imagine what my family and friends think about me, when they HEAR me talk about what I do, but then they SEE the same old fat body I've had all along.  I feel like a liar and a fake. 

Last week on TBL, the girl on the Red team was being called a liar and a cheat, because she didn't lose weight for two weigh ins in a row. Granted, I'm pretty sure she did do it on purpose (she had immunity).  But watching trainers Jillian & Bob get so furious at her because there was NO WAY that she didn't lose weight without self sabotage.  It hurt me.  Because that is how I feel.  I feel like everyone knows its "calories in vs. calories out", and so I must not be following the rules.

I don't know what the point of this entry was supposed to be.  And I apologize for the same rant you've heard a million times.  The gist is... I am frustrated with not losing/physically changing, and I am frustrated with the fact that I let it frustrate me. :-)

4 refreshing comments:

~Oct said...

I wish I knew what was causing you to not lose too. All I can say is that I DO believe you and seeing how frustrated it makes you frustrates me too. I do know that if you stop all of the good behavior you WILL see a change, but that won't be a good change. Hang in there just because you are already awesome. :) Congrats on jogging a mile straight! Wow, I can't do that. And 51 minutes of cardio is difficult. I'm going to TRY to push myself to 45 minutes of cardio tonight (strength training was last night). *super hugs* ~oct

muddymamma said...

Big HUGS baby girl! I know how hard you work and I know how frustrating it is! I'm sorry you got stuck with the crazy uncooperative metabolism.

(the word verification is : COOZOO)

MackAttack said...

Awww I'm sorry. We ALL know you work your A$$ off day in and day out. For those of us in the real world we KNOW it's more than calories in vs calories out. It is. If it were you and I both would be under 200 by now. For some of us it is slower...it sucks but you are strong!

Mandy K said...

You can do it! When you can't see results on the outside, think about the changes on the INSIDE - your body's health. Keep at it. We can see how hard you work :)