We Kin Get Thin!

As you can see from my Withings Twitter, I'm up to 228.8 this morning.
I am really, really aggravated at that. Mind you, Withings says that I am UP in lean mass, and down in fat mass, despite the poundage being higher. I know it's just trying to make me feel better.

Something at training on Saturday really messed with my calves. I know it's just muscle soreness, due to the fact that both legs feel the same. But that feeling?
Ridiculous pain.
By far the worst muscle soreness I've ever felt. I am a bit perplexed by it, as everything I did at training were things I've done many times before. Regardless, these legs HURT. I can barely walk, nevermind stairs! oof!
And of course I did a jog/walk for my 3.1 miles yesterday, thinking it would help, But its a bit worse. I've got icy hot on them now. But I am heading out to help carry an elliptical machine up and down a few flights of stairs. just lovely!

For those with today off from work (like me!) I hope you have a great day off!
And for those other suckers who don't... sorry! ;-)

Like most humans, nothing motivates me more than seeing results from my hard work. Last night, I was not feeling very motivated to hop on the treadmill, so I decided to take some pictures of myself, and compare them to old ones. People have been telling me I look smaller, so maybe seeing it for myself will help.

Nope.

I even went so far as to recreate the outfit and pose from an older picture and dissect it, side-by-side.

No. Change.

I then tried on some too-tight clothes, hoping for a miracle.  Still, no change.

I had to dig pretty damn deep to find the determination to even work out last night, after that.
But I hopped on the treadmill anyway, and busted out another 5k. I even shaved off 2 minutes of my time...  (51 min) AND, I jogged a mile straight in there (which is big for me!).

I truly wish I could just be satisfied with the improved health, strength, and stamina.  But honestly, I am starting to feel like a sham.  I feel like I am fooling myself, and those around me. I can only imagine what my family and friends think about me, when they HEAR me talk about what I do, but then they SEE the same old fat body I've had all along.  I feel like a liar and a fake. 

Last week on TBL, the girl on the Red team was being called a liar and a cheat, because she didn't lose weight for two weigh ins in a row. Granted, I'm pretty sure she did do it on purpose (she had immunity).  But watching trainers Jillian & Bob get so furious at her because there was NO WAY that she didn't lose weight without self sabotage.  It hurt me.  Because that is how I feel.  I feel like everyone knows its "calories in vs. calories out", and so I must not be following the rules.

I don't know what the point of this entry was supposed to be.  And I apologize for the same rant you've heard a million times.  The gist is... I am frustrated with not losing/physically changing, and I am frustrated with the fact that I let it frustrate me. :-)

Couldn't do my jog this morning either. The knees are REALLY bad.
This makes me mad! mad, I tell you!

I wanted to do 15 min straight this morning :-( I had big plans!

We'll see what I get through tonight. I've been icing 'em and taking lots o drugs. So, I sure hope they come around!

Ok. I'm done being sloppy.  *sigh* 

I think that going to the doctor, having all these tests done has made me start to really think  
What if something really is causing this?
What if I can't really help what's happening with my body?
Why do I even try? 

So I think the prospect of there being something working against me is making me work against myself. Making me feel like, whats the point? If nothing I do influences it, what's the friggin' point?

BUT THATS NOT THE CASE!  And I know that.  Even there is something messing up my ability to lose weight, it doesn't mean I should stop trying. It doesn't mean I should feel defeated.  I need to keep on keeping on.

Of course a small part of me wants them to tell me they found something horribly wrong, give me a pill, and I miraculously drop 100lbs. ;-)  Wouldn't that be nice!?
But, considering my body's penchant for medical mysteries, I am going to hazard a guess that they find nothing at all. And especially not anything that can be cured with something other than a shit-ton of hard work and sweat.

And so here I am. Not giving up.
Not continuing with this little WAH WAH ITS SO HARD tantrum.

Honestly, I don't mind giving myself little breaks every  now and then. I work damn hard, and I get a little burnt out. I'm ok with that. As long as I can snap myself out of it before any damage is done (like now) then I am OK with it.


I brought Adam Mr. Scale. So Mr. Scale is no longer in my bathroom or within my naked reach (and everyone knows you can't weigh in with clothes on!)

I hope the Fall Into Fitness lady don't kill me, 'cause I won't be weighing in for awhile. I just need to put my head back down and workworkwork for a bit, and then weigh in later. It's not going to change, and I don't know why I keep expecting it to. So there is no need for the everyday ups&downs.

Anyways, that's where I am at!

I would also like to say (ie : fess up)  that I've been slightly slacking off this week.
I'm in a very slight "its-not-working-anyway-so-why-even-try" funk, as I seem to get every couple months. Can you blame me? 

Have no fear though, no need to prep your pep talk pens, or hi-jack the wagon to go back to my stop. . . I'm good.  When I say "slight"— I mean it.  Its much more in thought than it is in action. I do eat a little sloppier, but I'll work out a little harder. Or vice-versa.  I won't sabotage this. That, I promise you.

But I guess I am allowed to feel like I am "taking a break" every now and then.  Luckily, these episodes never last more than a few days, and never seem to result in any sort of weight gain.  I won't let that happen, either!

Training tonight. I am praying that my knee is a nicer friend tonight. Its been SO mean lately, it just HAS to be time for it to turn-around and love me again. Right?
I think so.  I hope so.
I haven't done a solid jog session for a couple weeks now.  I can just do a couple minutes at a time before the knee gives out. So its been a lot more walking, and much shorting jogging stints.
I want to make progress, so this knee better wise up! *slap*

Stay tuned for Fatty's account of training last night!  (I am hoping its coming soon!)

First thing is first... I'm a runner up! Kristin had a Zevia giveaway, and I came up as a runner up, which awards me a free 6 pack of soda! How nice is that? I really love her blog, so check it out if you are looking for some more healthy inspiration. Girl is F-I-N-E, I tell you.

Anyways... I wish I had something interesting to write about today. I truly don't.So I am just gonna ramble!

My knee is back to its very ANGRY self today, which I am not pleased about. I've been wearing my brace when I should, icing it all the time, and taking all the Ibuprofen I can handle. I wish it would just let go of this grudge and be nice to me again!

I am very sick of going into my training sessions with what feels like excuses.
My knee hurts. My shoulder hurts. How annoying! I try to work through them as much as I can...but pain is pain, you can only handle so much!

It will get better, I know that.

Next Tuesday is my annual physical. I am a classic case of the person-who-gets-nervous-talking-to-a-doctor. Don't get me wrong, I love my doctor, and I trust doctors completely, I just don't like talking about weight/body stuff with anyone (well, except semi-anonymously broadcasted over the internet, obviously).
So, I am going to write it all out on a piece of paper. My exercise regimen, my diet, who I have seen and what they have said, etc. This should help me cover everything I want to cover in my appt. I desperately hope that she can help me with this, because I am running out of things to try.

I have already resigned to the fact that I do have to live the rest of my life meticulously watching what I eat, exercising more than I'd ever care to, putting my weight & fitness first before all else. I get that. But I do NOT want to do this if it doesn't ever produce results. What is the point of living like a thin and healthy person if you're still stuck as a fat, unhealthy person? Just doesn't seem right*.

Well, you've all heard this rant before. Sorry. Point of the story is : Dr appt next week, stay tuned!

* I know that it IS right. One should ALWAYS live healthily no matter what your size. But I am hoping you see my point. Its like every day you dye your hair black but it comes out blonde every time. Fruitless!

Here I am!

I know you missed me.

Sorry I didn't update over the weekend, it was a busy one. Saturday Melissa and I prepped for the craft fair, and Sunday we spent the day at the craft fair.
We didn't make a killing, but we had fun.

Here's a pic of our table!



I did NOT exercise this entire weekend. That is a first in a looong time. I decided to finally listen to my knee's screams and let it rest for two full days!
My reward? My knee is still angry, but now I'm up almost 4lbs.
To top it off, because we did mainly upper body to go easy on my knee last week in training, my shoulder is all mad now too.

Ah complain complain complain. Sorry. :-/

For listening to my whining, I shall thank you, with some tasty food pics!


Pre-smushed guac


How I ate the guac! with the leftover quinoa salad.


Jicama, with Oikos to dip in. Still like Chobani the best!


22 crackers for 120 calories! seriously! and CUTE


CUTE, I SAY!


Some with LF chive cream cheese...


Some with almond butter...


Some with chunky PB & ginger preserves

SO good. So cute :)

Well, that's all I have for you folks.
I was hoping to start out this week with a low weight, a happy knee and a high spirit. But I've got the opposite. Whatcanyado!?

Hope you all had lovely weekends!

I am sitting here, feeling all revved up and gung-ho, but with nowhere to go.
I have but 4 weeks left in my personal 12 week challenge, and with virtually nothing to show for it. I want to re-commit myself, I want to push it into overdrive, but.. where do I go from here? I already eat nearly perfectly, I work out as much as my body allows. I drink my water (reluctantly). I feel like, I want to give it more gas and MAKE it give me progress.

But I'm already giving it all I got. I can always do MORE cardio, and I will try that, but there is a point when it is too much. I can't lower my calories, or carbs or what not. I'm at the minimum for how much I exercise. I keep it balanced and healthy.

I've got my doctor's appt in mid-November. And perhaps there are answers and hope for me there. But I don't think so.
It is SO embarrassing to be an obese girl and to go to anyone and say "I try and I try, but I just can't lose weight"
It feels like a stereotype. Like I am complaining about being fat and not doing anything about it. And I don't like feeling like people view me that way.
But I am going to do it. I am going to write down exactly what I do, how I eat, etc. And hand it to the doctor. Somebody, somewhere has GOT to be able to tell me what is wrong. Even if it is just a slap in the face and being told that I just need to WORK HARDER. I'll take it. I just want answers. I know that losing weight is hard for everyone. But it should NOT be THIS hard.

In the meantime... I'll just keep plugging. I am going to up my cardio a little more. Keep a tighter reign on my food, and that's that.

I can't wait to hear a Fatty weight update!

I've started to write whiny, Nancy Kerrigan style posts (WHY ME?! WHY ME!?) all week, and I've stopped them all. It is nothing I haven't said before. Wah wah, I'm doing everything right and I am not getting results, bitch bitch, whine whine.

Its been done, and it does me no service. And it certainly isn't fun to read for you guys!

SO ANYWAY.

I'll turn this into a true progress report, lets break it down!

TRAINING
As much as I hate working out (I mean, I HATE it) I rather enjoy that I go to training. As much knowledge, space, and equipment as I have, I would never get the intensity of exercise at home. It may not be helping me lose weight, but it most certainly is making me stronger. And, I love my trainers!

RUNNING
I am continuing on pretty well with my Chai-2-5k program. My knee is not enjoying it lately, so my progress has been slowed slightly. I made it up to 7 min running, 3 min walking... but now I am back down to 5 and 5. I'm not too discouraged, I know my knee, and it'll come back around. I think I'm still on track (pun intended!) to meeting my goal of a 5k in the Springtime.

DIET
My diet has been good. Actually, its been great! I'm finally learning to stop when I am full, and distract myself when I want to eat out of boredom. I make good choices, especially on my free day, when things could get ugly. I have kept a close reign on those times, and all is good.

CHANGES/PROGRESS
This, of course, is the bane of my existence. I haven't really lost any weight. I haven't lost any inches. I have no physical, noticeable changes at all. This is the height of my discouragement. BUT. I can feel my muscles like nobody's business. I can run longer, squat lower, jump higher, breathe easier... you name it. I'm more fit. And I can't complain about that.
I find myself getting mad at Biggest Loser, health articles, and other bloggers who vehemently state - IT'S CALORIES IN VS CALORIES OUT. YOU DO THAT YOU WILL LOSE.
I always believed that. But why doesn't it work for me, then? Most weeks, I've got a 5000-7000 calorie deficit, that should be 1-2lbs a week, if the math holds true.
I want to scream at them - ITS JUST NOT THAT SIMPLE! But then, what makes ME different? Why does science not apply to me? Is it because I failed science class freshman year? 'cause I made that up the next year, damnit!

OKAY. So this entry did turn out a little bit whiny there at the end. I apologize!
I love you all, my peeps, very very much! And I can never thank you enough for following our journey with us, ups and downs and mini-breakdowns.

Week 5

Last Weigh in : 243.5
Today's weight : 245.5

TOTAL LOSS : +2

naturally....

Would you expect any less?!

THE BAD

I haven't lost any inches. I keep weighing in throughout the week (I know, I know!), and it's only going up. I am getting that familiar wave of aggravation and disappointment. I never thought it would be this frustrating.. working so hard and getting nowhere. Usually, I am patient with life. But this is truly testing me.

THE GOOD

I am getting very comfortable and satisfied with my diet. I am making great decisions, planning well, and avoiding binges. I've been successful at curbing my free days. I've hit a good stride as far as that is concerned.

I am making excellent progress at the gym. At least, I feel I am. I feel stronger, and able to breathe easier. My muscles are hugenormous!


So, you take the good, you take the bad. (you take them both and there you have, the facts of life!)

I'll tell you what I feel like is the most disappointing, frustrating thing I have even known is... it is feeling big, hard muscles on my body... but not being able to see them.

My calves feel SOLID. My bicep muscles are huge! I can poke what feels like a STONE in my abs.
But none of the fat has wavered.

I have always been frustrated at my plateaus, naturally... but I have never felt this way. I have never made such huge progress that could not be seen. It feels like staying up all night writing a paper, only to have the dog eat it for breakfast.

I have nothing to show for it.

Ok, pity party over.

On to the pictures, eh?!

Tonight, dinner was filet, corn, sweet taters, and some beet slices. I know, CARBY dinner. I should have planned it better. A green veggie would have been ideal, but my intended spinach had gone bad. :-/



Later, dessert was starfruit (one of my fave fruits!!), strawberries, chobani, and a drizzle of agave nectar.



So, now I am off to bed.
My shoulder is REALLY bothering me this evening, and I am praying that it feels better in the morning... because it is too late to call Kate the Trainer now and cancel my session tomorrow.
Wish me luck that I'll be magically healed in the night! :-)


PS : I can't believe I lost another follower! I must smell bad!

Chances are, that in a year.. or even in a month from now... I won't recall the minute details of this particular day, or weekend. If anything, I'll remember going to Fatty's house-warming party, playing games and laughing. I might remember sitting with Corgi in the hot sun on the back deck, watching the dragonflies. I will certainly remember Melissa giving me an awesome ring as a Disney souvenir.

What I won't remember is what I ate.

How can it seem like food runs my life, when looking back makes it seem SO insanely inconsequential?

This weekend I fell off the proverbial wagon. I couldn't go to training, my shoulder aches like a beast, LadyTime™, I'm sick of not losing, etc. etc. bullshit etc.
It doesn't matter the reasons, or excuses. I ate whatever the hell I wanted this weekend. And of COURSE it felt good while I was doing it, but will I even remember those moments? Absolutely not.

I am glad, however, that I will NOT let this snowball. I have been a little more relaxed in my meals in the past few weeks, but I was still keeping it in check. This weekend was the last straw though. I obviously need to be more strict with myself.

I am going to go back to the Body-For-Life style plan. Requires a lot of planning, prepping, packing.. but I know it works, I know its healthy, and I know I can do it.

*CLUNK, eeeeEEEeeeeooooof, sigh*

(that is the sound of my hauling my fat ass back onto that damn wagon)

Despite my hardcore work outs recently, I am continuing to GAIN weight. I am right back into the 240's now. When I was SO close to the 220's.

And no, it's definitely not just because I am building muscle.

Not sure what to do, since everything I've tried hasn't really worked. But, we'll see.
I'll go induction AGAIN, just to at least feel like I am trying something. I'll keep up with the exercise as much as I can and just ride it out. This CAN'T be a long term gain. It's just not possible. (And I won't let it!, dangit!)

On the ever growing list-of-things-I-should-not-have-done, weighing myself this morning is the most recent.
236 it says. And that is AFTER a giant poop.

So much for my 2lbs.

This is why I need my scale hidden! Hehe.

Oh well. I did measure myself, though. And no huge change, but I did lose a few inches! Especially nice is that I lost 1 whole inch on my upper arms, and 1/2 an inch on my forearms. Since arms are my main concern right now, that does make me happy!

I don't have much time to update today (sorry!). I am busy busy!

But anyway, last night I set out to go dress shopping for my impending company christmas party on Friday. What a nightmare!

I know you've all heard the - I'm a big girl so I can't find clothes in my size - complaint before. But man, is it TRUE. All dresses in the department stores went up to size 16. And I, my friends, am an 18.

I ended up buying a simple black dress in a size 16. I don't love it. I don't really even like it. But, I needed something, and it seemed pretty apparent that I wasn't going to find something I actually liked.

I honestly, truly, earnestly, cannot wait until I can buy "normal" size clothes, so I can wear something I love for once.

We get very few chances in a year to get dressed up, and girls want to actually feel like they look GOOD. I have never felt that way. :-/

I did, however, score the most gorgeous off-white Alfani capelet for 65% off. It almost seemed like Macy's little apology for not having any good dresses. ;-)

I was looking for something in my closet last night. I didn't find it. But I did come across the dress I wore for my sister's wedding, it reminded me that her TWO year anniversary was just a couple weeks ago. Two years ago I wore this size 18 dress with extra panels sewn in because it didn't fit. Two years ago I wanted to look beautiful for my sister's big day. I was the only bridesmaid wearing a jacket over my dress to disguise my gigantic flubbery arms.
I started to think about how good I've eaten, and how hard I've worked out this past year. Surely, I've come so far.
So, I did exactly what I should not have. I tried it on.

Expecting it to gap, and flop, and fall of me. Before putting it on, I noticed the inside, the seams were stressed and nearly busted.

I zipped it up, and it was just as snug and sausagey as it had been that night. I was so embarrassed and disappointed.

But today, it's fine. Today, I am just looking forward to the day that I zip it up, and it falls to the floor.

Aggravation, Frustration, and Impatience.

That's what I should change my name to!

I just measured myself, thinking maybe the scale is just being stubborn. But Mr. Tapemeasure seems to think I gained about 4 inches (cumulative). Isn't that just LOVELY?

I've never measured after a work out before, so maybe my muscles are just all swolleny from being so buff :-) right? :-)

one word.

BLARGH!!!!!

Today, I have officially not lost any weight for 2 months. That means 8.5 weeks, or 59 days.

Frustrating as hell, let me tell you.

I have been eating a little too much fake stuff lately. Sugar-free candies and snacks and the such. I've been diligent about staying within my carb limit, but I still feel a little off-track with eating. Unfortunately, it takes the encouragement of weight loss (or the loss of inches) to keep me wanting to stay all inductiony in nature, all the time. I really enjoy my low carb bread, and diet soda and all that... but I am definitely not losing on it. But I am maintaining, which gives me sweet sweet hope. Because I am happy with what I eat now, and I can imagine living like this forever.

But what will make me LOSE weight now? Probably just solid exercise. So, I'll keep on with that. I know it's great for me, but it doesn't seem to be helping to take the pounds off either.

I will say, thinking about it... I am actually *amazed* that I am not losing.
I still have more than 80lbs extra fat on my body. I eat less calories than needed to maintain that weight. I exercise often. I eat 30g of carbs per day. My thyroid is completely fine.
Isn't that nearly scientifically impossible?

Ah well. You've heard my complaining enough!